What I didn’t know, with Ana and Sa’afia

Posted on November 19, 2013 by jaime

I’m trying to keep the Probation Officer story as true and honest as I can manage. I’ve made various changes, particularly to ensure that even someone who knows me will find it hard to identify or locate Ana, Sa’afia or Svitlana. It helps that I’m not a probation officer any more, and that I’m not living in that part of the world any more. I’ve tried to keep the emotional truth, and not to protect myself too much.

At the time I was still more diffident about bdsm than I am in the version I’ve told here. But I haven’t felt like writing about my self-doubt and the evasions I used to cover for desires that were sometimes a little darker than I was comfortable with. Even striping Sa’afia’s ass with the rod seemed to me to be a bit dark, a shameful thing to be enjoying. You can take it that I spent more time worrying about sexual politics, about whether I’d shock those women and turn them off me, and so on, than I’ve written about here. I just haven’t gone on about it because it’s boring, it’s self-obsessed and it gets in the way of telling the story.

I’ve also noticed, re-reading this long story so far, that I haven’t made much of an issue about things I didn’t know then. For example, there’s very little in the way of discussion, in advance of any session, about practices that are good and practices to avoid because the submissive doesn’t want them. These days I’d formalise that part of the conversation more, but then I trusted and relied on the submissive woman to give me clues during a session if something was a turn-off, or too painful or scary.

Also, it hadn’t even occurred to me at the time how much a submissive can want to give of herself. I saw bdsm as very hot sex that resolved into loving pleasure. Of course, bdsm is that, but there were doors I hadn’t opened yet. So some questions about submission just never arose with me, though they certainly arose for Sa’afia’s and (SPOILER ALERT) for Ana. Svitlana not so much. Some of the time I wasn’t listening, or paying attention. But I haven’t given myself any anachronistic awareness of that.

There’s another observation, about the insouciant cheerfulness with which Sa’afia told me I’d left her with severe bruises across her arse and the backs of her thighs. I’ve reported that reaction accurately, but in some ways it’s strange, isn’t it?

I’ll talk about that tomorrow.

Probation Officer #95: you’re with me!

Posted on October 2, 2013 by jaime

Sa’afia froze. Immobility is not affectionate. Then she hit my shoulder, hard, with her fist. She said, “you’re with me. Can’t you forget about fucking Ana for a fucking second?”

There’ll be more later today. But I’m out of time. Sorry.

Update: I’m still out of time. For now. Here’s a pic.

Probation Officer #75: Comparisons

Posted on September 4, 2013 by jaime

Sa’afia and I were moving bits of our lives together. It was happening very quickly, probably faster than I’d noticed happening before. I wanted to fuck Sa’afia a lot, not just right then, behind the wheel of my ancient Bedford, but most of the time. I liked Sa’afia a lot, too. I enjoyed her company in simple and uncomplicated ways, as well as pleasurably complex ways. She was beautiful. Actually she was more beautiful than Ana. She was certainly wiser. She wanted some things from me than complemented what I wanted in her, though that had nothing to do with wisdom.

But comparisons with Ana were dangerous. I shouldn’t make them.

I felt something strong for Sa’afia, more than sexual desire. But thinking about what I felt for Sa’afia made me face something I’d tried not to think about: I was in love with Ana.

There was nothing I could do about being in love with Ana. I couldn’t switch it off. I couldn’t claim Ana, either, and make us lovers. I’d told Ana I desired her, but I’d only said it because I knew that it wasn’t news to her. She’d already seen me get a stupid adolescent erection when I was supposed to be talking to her about policemen.

At least I hadn’t told her that I was in love with her. I shouldn’t tell her that and I wouldn’t. It wasn’t much to hang on to, but that was what I hadn’t lost.

I’d grown up believing that love was the most important thing and the strongest force in the world. My parents were powerful evidence for that worldview. But I’d started to learn that while love outweighs most other things you can put in the balance, it won’t always hold down the scales. Sometimes other obligations win, and love is what you have to swallow. Keep down. Keep inside.

Well, that was Ana.

I was driving towards Sa’afia.

Probation Officer #72: Die burning and screaming, Manaia!

Posted on September 1, 2013 by jaime

There was another grizzle from Ana, so I said, “Friday afternoon, ok? After your work. But in my working hours.”

“Hmmff. I still think you should come and cuddle me. But all right. I’ll be there.”

I closed my eyes and blew some breath out. I have been faithful to thee, Probation Service, also Sa’afia, in my fashion. “Good. Now don’t get drunk tonight. That’s a bad idea. That’s an order too, ok?”

“No getting drunk. You’re mean. But ok.”

Robot and explosion. Die, bad boyfriend, die!

“And watch a boy film. Something with robots and explosions. You can say, ‘die burning and screaming, Manaia’, every time something blows up. You’ll find yourself saying it a lot.”

“‘Die burning and screaming, Manaia.'” I got a suppressed giggle for that. “Yeah. That sounds like fun.”

“And have a banana smoothie.”

“Because they cure everything. I’m rolling my eyes, Mr Probation Officer Sir.”

“So am I, shoplifting girl. See you Friday. I gotta go.” I hung up.

Probation Officer #71: The Junior Probation Officer’s Handbook

Posted on August 31, 2013 by jaime

Ana made a protesting noise.

“Look, Ana, why not come and see me, at the office?”

“Tomorrow?” She was being puppyish.

“Can’t be tomorrow. No, I’m sorry, I’m going to be busy all day. Talking to people much less lovely than you. Make it Friday.”

“After work?”

“No. At the office. Ana, you’re a bad girl.”

“You spank Sa’afia. Maybe you should -”

“Yeah, you need a spanking, Ana. But it’s not in the probation officer’s handbook.”

“You looked it up? For me?”

“Absolutely I did. Turns out I’m not allowed to spank my clients. Says so, on page 96. Look, come and see me, at the office, and we’ll have a talk. Ok?”

“I should rip page 96 out. And I bet there’s no such book, anyway.”

“There damn well is.” There isn’t, of course.

Probation Officer #70: Comfort fuck?

Posted on August 30, 2013 by jaime

My mind, if that’s what it was, raced ahead. I could drop by Ana’s, give her that cuddle, and still make it in time to deal with Sa’afia at six.

Well, the chances of getting out of Ana’s place without having fucked her were close to zero. But I thought of an excuse: what the hell, the poor lonely girl needed a good comfort-fuck right then, and surely, as someone who cared about her, I was the one to give it. A good hard comfort-fuck.

Reasons are easy.

Then a vision came, not in words but in colour and feel, of how it would be: Ana fucked kneeling on her bed, then a quick shower, and racing over to Sa’afia, to push her down over her table and fuck her, with occasional touches with the stick across the sides of her ass and thighs. I could compare the two girls from the inside.

The feel of their hips in my hands as I held each girl down, petite Ana and womanly Sa’afia, and I could consider each cunt in connoissuer terms, giving full attention to their texture, viscosity, tightness and mobility. And responsiveness. I might never realise that dream I’d been blessed with, the one in which I had the two of them at once. But this would be the next best thing. Would it be worth getting fired for? Definitely.

My brain came back, reluctantly. Actually, sex with both Ana and Sa’afia probably would be worth getting fired for, if all that was at stake was getting a new job. But that was never the point.

“Ah hell,” I said. “Fucking hell. Ana, I really can’t.”

Probation Officer #69: Sad girl

Posted on August 29, 2013 by jaime

“Hi, Ana.”

“Hello Jaimie. Jaimie, I need to talk to you. Have you got a moment?”

“Well. Only a moment. But what’s the matter?”

“Oh Jaime. Manaia’s broken up with me. He was, he was -” Ana was fighting back sobs. “He said he’d broken up with his – With this girl Kayla. She was his girlfriend, and he said she wasn’t his girlfriend any more and -” Ana lost the fight with the sobs.

I’d started the conversation intending to be formal and careful. But although Ana was almost certainly being manipulative, the sobs were real. The thing with Manaia had only been going a few days, unless there were things I didn’t know. But passion is passion, breakups hurt and pain is pain. What hurts, hurts. “Oh honey. Ana, if he left you he’s out of his mind. He’s the stupidest stupid boy in the history of the world. Including Kentucky.”

No really, I just want a cuddle. That’s all.

Now there was only crying. I’d hit the motherlode, and she could spend time being miserable and sympathised with. I said, “Poor you.”

“Nnnn.”

“Poor sad girl.”

“Nnnnnnffff. Ooooh.”

“Poor love.”

“I wish you were holding me.”

“Ahhh. I’m your probation officer, sweetie.”

“Please come round and just hold me.”

“I really can’t.”

“Please. You don’t have to fuck me. I won’t try to fuck my poor dutiful probation officer. But I really need a hug.”

“Um.” I looked at the clock.

Probation Officer #68: Call of the wild

Posted on August 28, 2013 by jaime

He left a pause. Eventually I said, “Yeah okay, that was funny too.”

“Damn right. Well, I put her on your caseload because I thought you probably would get close to her. Having someone half smart in her corner would do her no harm. And because every young man needs to learn that, no matter what, there are times he just has to keep his dick in his pants.”

There was another pause while we considered what Jock had just said. I said, “And that brings us back to Lance.”

“We should go on television. All right, keep your dick out of Ana, and see if you can keep Lance out of jail. I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon. Now piss off. Go home.”

I went back to my desk, intending to take his advice. I just had time to get home, shower and collect tonight’s condoms, for Sa’afia, and tomorrow’s clothes, for me, before six o’clock. My rendezvous with Sa’afia, her table and a stick. I was going to apply that stick across her bum no matter what, but she’d better be naked when I arrived.

I thought about dealing with a disobedient Sa’afia, and I was definitely thinking with my cock.

The phone rang. It was Ana.

Probation Officer #67: Frank sex talk for men

Posted on August 27, 2013 by jaime

I said, “No, I haven’t fucked Ana. Why do you ask? I didn’t know it was an option.”

Jock stared at me, furious. I glared back at him. He made a gesture, dropping the flat of his palm towards the desk as if he was pushing a kitten’s head down. “Yeah, all right, all right. You think you’re funny, but that was a bit funny. No, It’s not an option. If you’d said ‘yes’, you’d already be fired. How’s she going?”

“She’s back at school. She’s got a job. She hasn’t been arrested in months.”

“Yeah. She’s got you as her defence lawyer. It’s okay: the cops don’t like you for it, but they’ll never like someone like you anyway. That’s all right. It’s your style.”

I said, “There’s more to life than likability.”

“That’s true, but I thought you were too weak to know it. Anyway, there are people here who didn’t think I should put a pretty girl on your caseload.”

“Oh? Can I ask why?”

“Nothing personal. Just you’re a young man, and young men do tend to think with their dicks. I’m sure I shouldn’t say so, any more. But you wanna argue that it’s not true?”

“Not particularly.”

“Thought not. Well, look out for Ana. She definitely wants to fuck you. And someone half clever, like you, could easily come up with reasons why she should maybe succeed. For her sake, for her good. You thought of any?”

“Umm, I could tell myself it could be good for her self-esteem. A more intimate relationship would help us to work more closely on her education and employment ambitions. I’d be able to give better protection from cops and such. It would do no harm, and we’re already friends. I’ve thought that kind of thing.”

“Yeah, I’ve seen her in those little shorts too.”

Probation officer #53: Free-floating desire

Posted on August 13, 2013 by jaime

“Oh great.” I was shocked by how much I desired the image of Ana that flared sudden and brilliant in my mind, but it seemed rude to Sa’afia even to have it in my head. I closed my eyes and pushed at my eyelids with my fingers. I got a purple ball floating on a brownish-red background, and Ana dissipated. “Well, she’s just going to have to stay jealous.”

“Poor Ana.” But Sa’afia was eating her curry now, and if she felt any real sympathy she had it well concealed. She waved her fork at me. “But you can’t go round bossing me around just because you can’t have her. And spanking me.”

“I’ve never bossed you. Yet. And I’m never going to spank you because I can’t have Ana. I spanked you because … I don’t know, because of the moment. And because of your ass. Great ass.” Sa’afia kissed me for saying the right thing. So I said the wrong thing. “It really, truly had nothing to do with Ana.”

Sa’afia stopped kissing me. I was probably lying. Certainly what I said wasn’t true. Ana and I had flirted, obscurely but hotly, and some of the sexual wash from that flirtation had reached Sa’afia.