Probation Officer #69: Sad girl

“Hi, Ana.” 

“Hello Jaimie. Jaimie, I need to talk to you. Have you got a moment?”

“Well. Only a moment. But what’s the matter?” 

“Oh Jaime. Manaia’s broken up with me. He was, he was -” Ana was fighting back sobs. “He said he’d broken up with his – With this girl Kayla. She was his girlfriend, and he said she wasn’t his girlfriend any more and -” Ana lost the fight with the sobs. 

I’d started the conversation intending to be formal and careful. But although Ana was almost certainly being manipulative, the sobs were real. The thing with Manaia had only been going a few days, unless there were things I didn’t know. But passion is passion, breakups hurt and pain is pain. What hurts, hurts. “Oh honey. Ana, if he left you he’s out of his mind. He’s the stupidest stupid boy in the history of the world. Including Kentucky.”

No really, I just want a cuddle. That's all.

No really, I just want a cuddle. That’s all.

Now there was only crying. I’d hit the motherlode, and she could spend time being miserable and sympathised with. I said, “Poor you.”

“Nnnn.” 

“Poor sad girl.”

“Nnnnnnffff. Ooooh.”

“Poor love.”

 “I wish you were holding me.”

“Ahhh. I’m your probation officer, sweetie.”

“Please come round and just hold me.”

“I really can’t.”

“Please. You don’t have to fuck me. I won’t try to fuck my poor dutiful probation officer. But I really need a hug.”

“Um.” I looked at the clock.   

Probation Officer #68: Call of the wild

He left a pause. Eventually I said, “Yeah okay, that was funny too.”

“Damn right. Well, I put her on your caseload because I thought you probably would get close to her. Having someone half smart in her corner would do her no harm. And because every young man needs to learn that, no matter what, there are times he just has to keep his dick in his pants.”

There was another pause while we considered what Jock had just said. I said, “And that brings us back to Lance.”

“We should go on television. All right, keep your dick out of Ana, and see if you can keep Lance out of jail. I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon. Now piss off. Go home.”

tableI went back to my desk, intending to take his advice. I just had time to get home, shower and collect tonight’s condoms, for Sa’afia, and tomorrow’s clothes, for me, before six o’clock. My rendezvous with Sa’afia, her table and a stick. I was going to apply that stick across her bum no matter what, but she’d better be naked when I arrived.

I thought about dealing with a disobedient Sa’afia, and I was definitely thinking with my cock.

The phone rang. It was Ana.

Probation Officer #67: Frank sex talk for men

I said, “No, I haven’t fucked Ana. Why do you ask? I didn’t know it was an option.” 

Jock stared at me, furious. I glared back at him. He made a gesture, dropping the flat of his palm towards the desk as if he was pushing a kitten’s head down. “Yeah, all right, all right. You think you’re funny, but that was a bit funny. No, It’s not an option. If you’d said ‘yes’, you’d already be fired. How’s she going?”

“She’s back at school. She’s got a job. She hasn’t been arrested in months.” 

“Yeah. She’s got you as her defence lawyer. It’s okay: the cops don’t like you for it, but they’ll never like someone like you anyway. That’s all right. It’s your style.”

I said, “There’s more to life than likability.” 

“That’s true, but I thought you were too weak to know it. Anyway, there are people here who didn’t think I should put a pretty girl on your caseload.”

“Oh? Can I ask why?”

“Nothing personal. Just you’re a young man, and young men do tend to think with their dicks. I’m sure I shouldn’t say so, any more. But you wanna argue that it’s not true?”

“Not particularly.”

bum“Thought not. Well, look out for Ana. She definitely wants to fuck you. And someone half clever, like you, could easily come up with reasons why she should maybe succeed. For her sake, for her good. You thought of any?”

“Umm, I could tell myself it could be good for her self-esteem. A more intimate relationship would help us to work more closely on her education and employment ambitions. I’d be able to give better protection from cops and such. It would do no harm, and we’re already friends. I’ve thought that kind of thing.”

“Yeah, I’ve seen her in those little shorts too.”

Probation Officer #66: The atheist Pat O’Brien

“All right. You come back with a report that recommends something instead of jail but doesn’t sound like wet liberal bullshit. And we’ll work out how to sell it to the judge. And the cops. Come and see me with what you’ve got at one o’clock, and we’ll go and talk to the cops around four. Ok?”

boxWhen Jock had finished punching his juvenile crims bloody, he’d trust them with $50, maybe more, to use to get back to their mothers, or aunts, or whoever was most likely to look after them. Jock couldn’t afford to lose the money he lent those kids – they knew that, because he’d become a bit of a legend – and being trusted scared the hell out of them. Most of them wanted to earn that trust, and most of them paid the money back.

In a movie he’d have been played by Pat O’Brien, except that Jock was an atheist. He was, as they say, a better man than I was, or am. We had nothing in common. We faced each other, each time we met, completely baffled.  

“Ok. Thank you.”

“Yeah. I should think so. How’s that Ana girl?”

“What? Ana?”

“Well of course Ana. Have you fucked her?” 

Probation Officer #65: The timid sex offender

I picked up my afternoon’s work. “There still has to be a report.”

“Do you think Lance should go to jail?”

“No. He’s still not a risk to the community. Public safety.”

“He thumped someone.” 

“Yeah. Farm guy. But he was resisting unlawful imprisonment. And he didn’t thump farm guy very hard. Anyway, he needs to have to come in on the weekends and do a bit of work scrubbing graffiti and so on, to keep him tired. He needs someone who knows more about this than I do to get him to stay in his bedroom when he feels like having a wank. And he needs to stay out of jail, because that would fuck him up beyond repair.”

obrienJock looked at me. Blankly. “I’m not so sure he’s not beyond repair anyway. But I’d agree that jail will fuck him up. He’s a sex offender and he’s timid. He’s got victim written all over him. And if there was a dangerous idiot out on that farm, it was the farm manager. If he’d tried to lock me in his goddamn barn, I’d have thumped him too. All right.” 

I waited. 

Probation Officer #64: Jock the director

Jock, the director, said, “You’ve written a report? That’s something. Give it here.”

Jock took my report and turned away to skim it. I hate it when people do that with anything I’ve written. I like to read their faces while they read me. Jock was a terrifying bastard, with a big red face, a gorilla’s arm muscles and a pigeon’s chest. He’d passed the mandatory age but no-one had the nerve to tell him to retire.

He spun his chair back to face me. “It’s good in a way. And it’s bullshit.”

“Bullshit?” I was more surprised than offended. I thought I’d written something honest. 

“Yes. Read that and it’s clear that you’re to blame. You probably think writing that’s a noble … gesture or something.” 

“It’s just what I think was happening.” 

obrien boxes“Ah, bullshit, Jaime. Actually, I expected you to produce some bullshit. Just, I thought it’d be something that covers your arse. Since you’re a clever bastard. But this isn’t even clever.” Jock was known to take some of the cockier young offenders to the Police and Citizens boxing ring, to show them that a man in his sixties could beat them. He said he was demonstrating that violence is meaningless. Really, he thought it got their attention.

I was getting annoyed. “I was trying to protect my colleagues.”

“Y’arrogant little weasel, you think the people here need your protection? We’ve been doing this longer than you’ve known how to tie your own laces. You thought it’d be romantic to throw your career away. Make a big gesture, take all the blame and walk. That’s no use to us. We’d rather you turn up to work every day. Do your share.”   

“Well, Lance is going to jail. He’s not going to do very well there. That’s down to me.”

“Well, Jaime, it aint. Guess who’s fault it is? It’s Lance’s. You can’t mind him every minute of his life. You couldn’t stop him from fucking his life up when you weren’t around, because you’re not god. Contrary to what you seem to think. Here, take this report back. Keep it somewhere, and have a look at it if you ever start thinking you’re clever again.” 

Probation officer #63: Freedom of speech

Sa’afia said, “Someone can hear you? You’re in the office?”

“Yes. That’s absolutely correct.”

caned-girl 2“Hah. Ok, the sticky item will be on the table, at six. And I better let you go.”

“Excuse me a moment.” I took off my jacket, made it into a tight bundle, and threw it hard at the door. It shut. “And Sa’afia.”

“Yes?”

“I expect you to be waiting for me naked. Standing naked by the table. Ready to get the stick across your slutty little ass. And for me to fuck you afterwards.” I heard her gasp. I hung up.

Authority is a complicated thing. I put my jacket back on and went to see the director. 

Probation officer #62: Agenda item

Sa’afia hesitated, or she pretended to. “Yes, sir.”

“That’s better. Now, what am I going to do if you don’t please me?”

“You wouldn’t spank me?” It was a tone of voice that went with batted eyelashes and other signs of utter sincerity.

“Sa’afia, you know I won’t. I’m not going to use my hand. What will I use?”

caned girl“The stick.”

I wondered what “the” stick was. It sounded promisingly specific. I said, “Now, do you think I’m pleased with you?”

She sounded very solemn. “No, sir.” She was laughing at me, and yet I knew that if I touched her she would shake. Just as I was both amused and excited by her. 

“So what are you getting?” 

“You’re going to give me the stick, sir.” 

“Exactly. Hang on.” The director had stuck his head in my office door, and mouthed, ‘my office’. He’d only heard me say, “so what are you getting”, which might sound like a probation officer thing to say. 

I said, “I’ll see you at six.” The director had left the door open, and I wasn’t sure how far away he was. I assumed I could be heard. “And that item we discussed -“

“The stick?”

“Yes. That item will be on the table for our meeting.”

Probation Officer #61: Holding his own

I didn’t have much time to think about Sa’afia once I got to work. The manager of a farm about ten kilometres out of town had caught Lance Holder masturbating behind a barn. When the manager challenged him Lance had run for it. The manager had caught up with him near the barn entrance, and punched him a couple of times while Lance got his pants up.

Wanker!

Wanker!

The manager had tried to lock Lance in the barn, so he could call the cops. Lance had hit him with a garden stake. The manager fell over, and Lance ran. Another farmhand called the police, who’d picked Lance up while he was hitchhiking back to town. The farm manager had provoked a pointless incident, and he hadn’t really been hurt, but he’d shown that Lance had more violence in him than anyone had thought. Lance’s career as a comic figure was over.

His violence had arguably been provoked, it was relatively trivial, and it was only indirectly connected to his sexual behaviour. But he was now a violent sexual offender. He was in police custody.

I got to see him after waiting three hours, but he had nothing to say. So I went back to the office and started a report on what the probation service had been doing with him for the past year, including the four months he’d been on my caseload. Because that was a question someone was going to ask.

There were many ugly aspects to the situation, but one of them was that I could see that we’d been wrong to think Lance wasn’t capable of violence, but I couldn’t see what we could have done to prevent that incident. Lance wasn’t in jail. If I wrote a report that really did say what I thought had gone wrong, it’d be referred above my head and get re-written. But even if I can’t write the full truth I like to have an idea what the full truth is. In this case I didn’t know.

So it was a bad day. Sa’afia called me in the afternoon. On my office phone. She’d been expecting to hear from me. She wanted to tell me off for not calling, and putting my mobile on “Do not disturb.” I stopped her. 

“Have you heard from your mother?”

“Yes. She’s still out. So you can come over tonight. If you still even want to.”

“Sa’afia, you can stop that right now. I expect you to call me and tell me whether your home is available or if you’re coming to me.”

“Yes, but -“

“Is that understood?” There was silence. I found myself cheering up, though I kept any trace of that out of my voice. “Do you understand, girl?”

“Well. Yes.” 

lipI considered asking if she’d just bitten her lip. She would have if I’d been there to see it. But there were parts of the game that couldn’t be played over the phone. Instead I said, “Yes, what?”

“Yes, indeed.” 

I had to grin. Sa’afia didn’t have a bratty bone in her body, but it was a good try.

Anyway, she wouldn’t see the grin. I made myself sound angry. “Sa’afia!” 

Probation Officer #60: The opposite of blushing

I tried to look fierce. “I’ll spank you till you can’t sit down.” 

“Oh no,” she said. I thought she was mock-begging: ‘please don’t spank me’. She said, again, “oh no.”

So I said, “Look, there’s really no getting out of it. Of course I will.”

The game was wicked enough. So was the girl.

The game was wicked enough. So was the girl.

“Oh no. If I don’t please you, you should use a stick.”

“Oh.” We’d been playing some kind of game. Sa’afia had just  overtaken me. It’d still be a game if I had the right to punish her when I felt like it. It’d still be a game if I had the right to hurt her more than I could with my hand. But it’d be a much more serious game. 

I expected that I looked very white, just then. In the sense of being intensely focussed and pale. The opposite of blushing.

“Absolutely I will use a stick.” I kissed her. “Across your arse.” Sa’afia looked a little too untroubled. “And the backs of your thighs.” Still complacent. “That pretty little belly of yours.” Now she drew in a breath, but she was shiney-eyed. I frowned, since though this was good news, there was a lot to be thought and said about it. But I kissed her again and turned away. I’d have to get to work now, if I were to be able to get away at all.

When I reached the bottom of the steps, and turned back to wave, Sa’afia laughed again. Joyfully. “Oh god, look at you!”

I didn’t glance down. I thought about the ear structure of the African elephant again. I wasn’t noticeably erect, I guessed, by the time I got the gate open. I managed the walk to the van almost casually. I started the engine, and glimpsed myself in the rear-vision mirror. I rubbed my face, trying to get some colour back.

My heart was still thudding by the time I reached the Probation Service carpark.