Consent is odd.
On the one hand, I had taken Svitlana through bdsm consent 101, and explained about safe words and stopping whenever she felt uncomfortable. She’d agreed, and told me that she knew about safe words.
That should have meant that anything that I did was okay if she didn’t safeword. But it never really means that. Especially with someone who had found herself confronting submission, and bdsm’s rules and ethics, for the first time. She was excited and enjoying herself, but not really sure of her ground. She wasn’t sure what she could refuse.
She hadn’t liked her spanking all that much. She wasn’t angry with me for spanking her. It was just something we’d tried, and we found that it hadn’t done much for her.
It wasn’t that she didn’t like being hurt. When I’d squeezed her nipples, she’d wanted more, until I pressed as hard as I could and turned them like taps. That had worked ecstatically well, but it had to have hurt more than the fairly careful spanking I’d given her. Some things work, and some things just don’t.
But I’d used the fact that she hadn’t liked being spanked to shorten the discussion about whether she was going to suck my cock. She’d rewarded me thoroughly for that piece of bad behaviour.
If I’d thought that she’d take the threat to spank her seriously, then I’d have been a bully, not a dom. I didn’t feel that her consent covered me to do things she didn’t enjoy, once I’d been shown or told that she didn’t like them.
That applied only because she was new to these things. Of course it’s different between doms and more experienced submissives. If I can find something that an experienced submissive doesn’t like, I’ll use it. It lets her feel she’s not in control. If everything is too good, the submissive can start to think the dom is serving her. She doesn’t want that.
But in Svitlana’s case, I could threaten to spank her not because of her consent but because we’d laughed a lot, including at me. She could enjoy the threat, and the sense that she was sucking me because she’d be punished if she didn’t, while at the same time she knew that the punishment was a phantom: it would never exist.
You can’t reduce consent to a few rules. It’s still complicated even after formal consent is given. It’s a dance of advances and retreats.
Back to the story tomorrow.