I held her yesterday, and her eyes filled with tears. She said, “I can’t do it.”

She meant various things. She can’t love two people at once. She can’t submit to me.

The woman she’s fallen in love with is freaked by bdsm, and so the girl who was mine doesn’t want it in her life. She probably will need to submit again, eventually, but by then it will probably have nothing to do with me.

Our relationship is, or was, master and slave. We just are. Or we were. There could never be any other dynamic between us, even if we tried. So she cannot have two lovers.

But it was the tears that ended it for me. I’d meant to comfort her and make her smile. I loved it when she cried because my paddle had hurt her ass, and so did she. 

But I can’t think of anything worse than making her cry when it’s not for pleasure. When I can’t comfort her, when my touch and smile make her sad, then it’s over.

I broke the hug and said, “All right.”

We hugged later, with slightly different emotional meanings. There’s nothing bad between us, just sadness.

This is going to hurt so much. I’m going to miss her so much. 

Today’s music: “They moved the moon”, Warren Zevon.